By Bogue on November 28, 2010

Alright Americans, during this next week don’t be surprised if you notice Canada acting passive aggressive and generally peeved at us.  You see the controversial whistle-blower website Wikileaks is releasing aboot 250,000 classified documents which have the potential to seriously damage diplomatic ties with some of America’s closest allies, Canada included.  US officials are already trying to control the damage because the contents of the documents supposedly will not look good for us.

Apparently these leaked documents will prove something about how we’ve been dicks to Canada and we’re expecting them to get pissed about it.   This may come as a shock as we’ve always known Canada as nothing more than our quiet upstairs neighbor who is relatively nice and REALLY likes hockey.  Canada never gets pissed about anything, right?

Clearly I don't know anything about Canada

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper

Um…ok I realize that’s probably not Stephen Harper.  In fact, I have no idea what kind of effect this intelligence will have on US/Canada relations because I know jack shit about Canada.  But really, I swear it’s not my fault.  After all, when was the last time you saw a news story about what Canada is doing?  Never you say?  Good, me too.

Prior to this point I always assumed Canada and us were always cool with one another about pretty much everything.  To be perfectly honest, before this Wikileaks story broke, I only knew like 8 things about Canada.

  1. They are obsessed with “Hawk-E,” a sport played with sticks not at all dissimilar to hockey, which was invented by Americans.
  2. 75% of their economy is made up of fur trappers and beaver farmers.
  3. They have police horses instead of cars.  This seems illogical until you realize Canadians drive nothing but dogsleds through frozen tundra.
  4. Men, women, and children all wrestle with bears and nobody ever gets hurt (not even the bears).
  5. They have lots of funny people (The Kids in the Hall, Jason Jones and Samantha Bee from the Daily Show, everyone from Second City Toronto) who are all probably super nice in person.
  6. They have nationalized health care which means they live under a brutal totalitarian Communist regime where people die in the streets if not already sentenced to death in government-controlled concentration camps for children, the elderly, and political dissidents.
  7. It’s always 100% acceptable for Americans to insult them with douchebag stereotypes because we’re really cool and they probably like it.
  8. They use maple syrup instead of barbecue sauce.

So let’s see what kind of effect these leaked documents have on the relationship between the US and Canada.  I’m confident our news networks will go to great lengths covering the nuanced relationship between our two governments and the implications these (likely damning) discoveries will have on the war in Afghanistan.

And by that I mean the news will probably just cover whatever folksy bullshit Sarah Palin says on facebook.  After all, she is our country’s Avril Lavigne.