Why I’d be a better Husband than Robert Pattinson

If you listened to this week’s podcast or to Lauren Aimone for more then 10 seconds you probably know she wants to marry Robert Pattinson. In fact, A LOT of ladies these days are gaga over Robert Pattinson. There is absolutely nothing wrong with spending some time with him. He’s a cool guy and I don’t mind hanging out with him most of the time. The problem is tons of the aforementioned ladies want to marry him and call him their own and share the rest of their lives with him. Ladies, you don’t need to settle. Someone needs to tell them they can be with someone better. Those someones are me. Here are some reasons I would be a better spouse than Robert Pattinson.

My Hair is Messier:

It’s no secret that the secret to being cool and sexy in this day and age is all about having the most in depth and meticulous grooming habits known to man. Polishing yourself from the ground up, making it just past your eyebrows and saying to yourself “Eh, good enough.” I’ve mastered this skill far beyond Mr. Robert Pattinson, so much so in fact, that I usually give up somewhere near the shoulders. Yeah, that’s dedication.

Hardly Messy at All.

It's a Freakin' Disaster

I Eat Food:
I love food. It’s delicious. I know it’s delicious because I can taste it. See, Vampires don’t eat food. Like I said earlier, R-Pattz is a great guy. He’d probably be more than happy to make you a lovely romantic dinner. The thing here is, don’t you think the dinner would be a bit more romantic if the food was as delicious as only a man who eats food can make it? And another thing… You HAVE TO eat. Think of all those awkward meals you’d have chowing down while he just kind of plays with the fork pretending it’s a rocket ship. Not with me.

That's not a face you want to see when you're eating

Good Stuff!

I am Aware of Temperature:
We’ve all had those experiences where you think it’s a beautiful summer’s evening and it’s a little hot inside so you open your window before going to bed, only to wake up at some point freezing cold regretting doing so, but not wanting to get out of bed to remedy the situation. Now, unlike my cold blooded buddy Ro-Pa, I would be awake watching you sleep wondering how I managed to land myself a dream girl like you, and feel that cold breeze start a blowing and proceed to protect you from those cold nights well before you ever would know. Then I’d kiss you on the head and go to sleep. Good luck having a good night’s sleep in a cold room with a cold Vampire.

It's December, put on some dang clothes!

I'll do whatever it takes to keep us warm!

I am Not Eternal:
As an infinite being, Robbie Patty has no value for the precious moments you would spend together. I would cherish every second we would spend together even more knowing that someday, it will all come to an end. He spends a lot of time either on the couch or leveling up his Blood Elf Warlock. It’s very important for a relationship to be with someone who has vaguely the same life span as you.

Lok'tar O'GAR!

Gee, Life is great!

I am Stronger and Faster:
I’m just not a show off.

He can barely lift her.

With the Greatest of ease!

I get along well with Dogs:
A future with Rob’ ‘inson means a future in which you can’t have a cute fun loving dog in the house (he had a bad experience). A good dog is very important to a happy family. They have been scientifically proven to help solve arguments between spouses, protect kids, eat things off the floor and cuddle with you on the couch. And if you think you can get that kind of love and devotion from a cat, you need to see what Animal Expert, Castellvi has to say about it…

So much unfounded agression.

I find this adorable.

With Me, Less People Will Try to Kill You:
Now, I don’t claim to be the most popular guy ever (Robert Pattinson claims this all the time), but never once have any of my girlfriends had a mob of Vampires out to kill them. Actually, now that I think of it, they’ve never had a mob of ANYTHING out to kill them. I will simply love you too much to ever let anything like that happen to you. I know Robert Pattinson MEANS well, but if he REALLY loved you, wouldn’t he be a little more careful with your life and safety?

I’m really not here to say Robert Pattinson is a bad guy. That’s not it at all, he’s great. I’m just here to say that I’m marginally better than him in all the ways that are important to loving you and making sure you have the amazing magical marriage that you’ve always deserved.