By 
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Unicorns are always shown as beautiful, loving creatures that make excellent toys for girls. They can heal any wound, espouse great wisdom, and create rainbows from their asses.
But is there any evidence that the Unicorn is benevolent?
There are many things we don’t know about the Unicorn… too many.
Why haven’t you seen a Unicorn lately? Simple, because their powers of stealth and preternatural guile allow them to lurk in the shadows, stalking their prey.
And that horn isn’t ribbed for your pleasure, quite the opposite actually. The spiral patterns on the Unicorn’s horn allow it to drive through denser materials, and cause maximum damage.
And just think about all the times you’ve stared longingly up at a rainbow. Have you been watching your back? Of course not. It’s the animal kingdom’s most powerful distraction. Science has proven that humans who witness a rainbow are 31% more likely to smile, 49% more likely to skip gleefully, and 84% less likely to notice a Unicorn crouched in the shadows… waiting to strike.
The feeding habits of the Unicorn:
- Impale you on a horn.
- Rape you to death.(Maybe with the same horn)
- Carve the flesh from your bones.
- Devour you slowly
If you are lucky, the Unicorn will do it in that order.
So why, you may ask, are Unicorns held in such high esteem? Why hasn’t anyone discovered this conspiracy before?
Because the powerful Unicorn lobby has had its horns in international politics since the dawn of human civilization. I cite the British royal seal:
The Unicorns have the hooves in everything
I called the D.C. Unicorn office for a response, but was informed that the Unicorn lobby does not, nor has ever existed.
Now that’s a powerful cover up job. Just like their feeding sessions, the Unicorns leave no trace.
I am aware that by publishing this, I am staring the Unicorn in the horn (as the old saying goes). But I think the truth needs to be told.
If I disappear tomorrow, you will know why.
