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Well it’s summer, so time for conservatives/liberals to claim summer blockbusters as some sort of victory for their ideology. Like when conservatives tried to claim the Dark Knight and Knocked Up. Or when environmentalists and libertarians and other relevant political movements tried to claim Avatar. Most people watch fun summer movies to get their minds off of politics and other depressing things. Those people are dumb. True patriots suck every last drop of fun out of our favorite movies and convince us that they’re destroying America…or saving America. Whichever. Now it’s my turn!
WARNING: POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD!
Communist sympathizer Woody laughs at American Exceptionalism
The Pixarxists have done it again. Toy Story 3 is full of the same anti-American propaganda disguised as an adorable child’s adventure that we have come to expect from virtually every Pixar movie. Movies like Monsters Inc and Wall-E dared to insult our proud corporate institutions by suggesting that cronyism and greed are corrupting our values and destroying the planet. Now they have the audacity to attack the free market! Why not just fuck an apple pie and throw it in Lady Liberty’s face in the middle of a baseball game while you’re at it?
For years, Woody and his cohorts have served as bleeding heart liberal suckers to their benevolent master Andy. Instead of focusing on why they are individually the best, the toys want nothing more than to serve their government. Naturally, big government Andy doesn’t give a damn about them and the toys wind up at a Day Care Center. There they meet a kindly villain bear named Lotso.
Lotso describes the Day Camp as a free market where the toys have unlimited potential and are their own bosses. Of course they start in the bottom of the social hierarchy, serving as the playthings of vicious barbarian toddlers, but the invisible toy hand of the day care market is assured to provide room for upward mobility. This is the American dream.
Psychopath toy abuser waiting for sinister "play time"
At this point in the movie, I was expecting the toys be smashed against walls and puked on humiliatingly until they proudly pull themselves up by their bootstraps and reach the top of the day care center where they can trickle down more mature and friendly campers to the damaged toys on the bottom. But did that happen? No. Instead the Marxists at Pixar included a scene where the council of evil private business-owning toys gamble and explain how their free market system is fixed. They even had the nerve to reprogram Buzz as a military soldier fighting against his own interests and friends. At this point in the movie, I stood up in my seat and screamed “These colors don’t run! Investigate ACORN!” And did anyone join me? No. Some punkass slacker usher quieted me down and I had to watch the rest of the movie grinding my teeth in patriotic agony.
The whole film is infuriating for REAL Americans who love this country. Buzz is speaking Spanish (sorry Spaceman, we speak 1 language in this country), a Ken doll is obviously trying to spoof Republican law makers as closeted homosexuals (which is an unfair stereotype except for all those Republicans with gay sex scandals), the toys never go to church once, and nothing is done to repair Joe McCarthy’s heroic legacy.
Making fun of Larry Craig. Real mature, Pixar. Enjoy your Oscar.
So if you hate freedom and love apologizing for America to our enemies, go see Toy Story 3. If your children haven’t already been hypnotized by Sesame Street into becoming loyal footsoldiers in Obama’s PC Communist Nazi army, Toy Story 3 is just what they need. Anybody who sees this movie and isn’t outraged needs to try reading a little book called the Constitution. And I swear to God if I hear one more person tell me “It’s just a fun kid’s movie,” I’m gonna go nuts. If you are a sheep and accept lies without question, there’s really nothing I can do for you. Well, except loud nonsensical ranting. I can always do that.
