By Keith on May 3, 2009

Today I delivered a double char cheddar bacon burger, 2 hot dogs, 2 fries, mozzarella sticks, and (of course) a diet Pepsi to a Fat Man in Pajamas. Few people know about the existence of the Fat Man in Pajamas, and probably less people actually care. But have you ever taken the time to really examine the truly pathetic life of an overweight man, who, at 7 P.M. on a Sunday, is wearing blue sailboat themed pajamas? Today, I got that chance.

From the time that I received his order while working at Big Mouth’s to the time that I was driving away from his apartment, I learned a great deal about the Fat Man in Pajamas.

  1. He owns a computer. His order was processed online, thus leading me to believe that he has a computer and sees his computer as an opportunity for food.
  2. He lives in an apartment. On his order, below his name where one would put their address, he wrote “my apartment,” and below that he filled in the actual address of “his apartment.” I suppose the Fat Man in Pajamas recently achieved getting his own apartment and was excited to share the news with a delivery man, who he sees as an opportunity for food.
  3. He doesn’t like moving. When I got to his apartment with his $16.51 worth of food, I realized I didn’t know which building was his. The buildings were not numbered, which left me confused on which building was number one, which was where “my apartment” was located. I called the Fat Man in Pajamas and proceeded to inform him of my dilemma. He then informed me (poorly) as to which building was his and when I let out a “uhhh… I don’t know which…” he let out a fat sigh and said “I’ll come down and meet you.” I came to his door, gave him his food, and he gave me a crumpled 20 dollar bill (yess!) and asked for “just a couple bucks back” (booo). I gave him his change, he left me with a $1.50 tip (not a good tip, especially since he lived far away), and as the door closed I heard a discontented sigh as he turned to face the stairs. He sees moving as an opportunity for food, but he likes other, lazier routes.
  4. He’s fat. Oh God was he fat!
  5. He has funny road names that lead to his house. Right on Hershey, left on Rainbow, left on Vladimir (which under it had what looked like a Hebrew spelling of Vladimir), left on Keisha. I had a blast finding those roads!
  6. He likes sailboats. He had sailboat pajama pants on and a ratty plain white t-shirt that I like to believe he sees as a sail to his boat bearing trousers. I imagine the pajama pants were ordered online in-between jimmy johns and dominos orders.
  7. He drives a big car. He is very fat. His car was accommodating. I imagine it’s full of candy… or canola oil.
  8. He is a standup comedian’s dream. He actually ordered tons of fattening food and had the nerve to cap it with a diet pepsi. That absence of sugar and flavor isn’t noticed as well when you are eating roughly 2 pounds of red meat, French fries, and deep fried cheese.

I guess that’s all I learned today. Other than the fact that I like to pick on Fat Men in Pajamas when they don’t tip me very well. The end.