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So Rush Limbaugh has declared that if Congress passes health care reform, he’s leaving America and moving to Costa Rica. Apparently if Americans are given access to healthcare, he has lost the war.
Now, when I first heard this news, I did what most Americans probably did; the Snoopy Dance. America’s loudest, angriest, and most hateful radio personality is leaving the country? And we get healthcare?! Where’s my tiny piano? I wanna smile, tilt my head upwards, and dance on it!
Then I started thinking about all the people Rush would be letting down. Namely Kingpin, Jabba the Hut, the Penguin, and every other rich, overweight nefarious cartoon villain who wants to take over the world. In the kingdom of obese bad guys, Rush has now gone from a powerful king to a lowly peasant.
Rush has really let down his base.
Every day, Rush uses his microphone to strike fear into the hearts of the American people. Until now, Rush has had everything he needs to be the fattest, most supervillainiest character the world has ever seen.
– Millions of dollars
– Legions of loyal followers
– Evil-looking cigars
– A rival he has sworn to defeat at all costs
Rush Limbaugh’s rival – the president of the United States. While running for president, Barack Obama announced plans to fix our devastated economy, ensure health care for all, and give equal rights to gays. In all of his fat, evil glory, Limbaugh let the whole world know that he will stop at nothing to make sure the president fails. The blubbery evil-doers of the world were proud.
But now he’s throwing in the towel. He’s saying that if America wins the fight and finally gets what they voted for, he will banish himself to Costa Rica. I can’t believe he’s giving up the fight that easily. I honestly expected Limbaugh to fight tooth and nail, until the day Princess Leia finally strangles him to death with her slave chain. I guess I was wrong.
Come on, Rush. You owe us this.
There’s always the chance that Limbaugh will set up a secret volcano lair in Coasta Rica. There he’ll live underground taking Oxycotin and constructing plans to rise up and strike back at Obama. But what if he doesn’t? What if he just gives up?
I guess our country will become less like a comic book. Americans will have one less person to divide our country into good guys and bad guys. The Republican Party will no longer have to apologize to their big fat drug-abusing spokesperson every time they try to say something reasonable.
EVERYBODY SNOOPY DANCE!
