Romantic Armageddon

Prince William is getting married.

For reals, ladies.

William being Princely

If you’re a guy you probably weren’t aware of the crying out, wailing, the gnashing of teeth, and the pulling of hair from millions of women around the world this past month.  Prince William’s engagement to Kate Middleton comes as a shock to young women who have wasted half of their lives rejecting funny and attractive non-royal American men in hopes that William would propose to them instead.

The history of the ‘Hold-Out Strategy’ was a long shot from its inception in 1996 when William arrived at post-puberty good looks at the age of 14.  It hit dramatic lows in March of 2004 when The Prince of Wales and Kate Middleton were seen in Klosters Switzerland on a ski trip.  The ‘Hold-Out Strategy’ was briefly revived when William and Kate broke up in April of 2007 and the words “Just good friends” (my emphasis, not his) stoked the flames of romantic possibility again.  Women rejoiced that the ‘Hold-Out Strategy’ was working and proponents were able to silence critics who had moved on and attained nice boyfriends who, although didn’t have a title like Duke of Sussex, had a car.

William would later reconcile with Kate when he invited her to go deer stalking in Balmoral.  Angered that they weren’t the ones to go deer hunting in England, the women of the world clung even harder and more desperately to the plan of be courted only by royalty.

The crash and burn of the HOS ultimately occurred on November 16, 2010.  It was particularly painful because of the bride-to-be, Kate Middleton.  1)  She is from Berkshire.  That wretched hive of scum and villainy and 2) she is a beautiful, popular women universally hated because she’s so nice AND genuine.  The nerve.

Rich and Handsome...

Fear not ladies.  There are other royal options available just for you!  There is Al-Waleed bin Talal – of the Saudi Royal family.  And although he’s already married (to a few different women) I’m sure he’d be willing to take on another wife.  Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Saudi Royalty isn’t the same as English Royalty.”  And you’re right.  The Saudi’s, in general, have a better complexion as the weather is better on the Arabian peninsula.  Plus you wouldn’t have that ginger brother-in-law to endure.

As we get older, we tend to lower our expectations for ourselves a bit.  We prefer to be happily settled with reality rather than struggle and toil for the ideal.  While eligible bachelors have been claimed already, despair not: you can easily find a mate that thinks he’s the Prince of England, and I’m sure he’ll need no convincing that you’re his princess.  Just go to the intersection of Belmont and Sheffield, Chicago, IL.  You’ll know when you see him.

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