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In the past two decades, Sandra Bullock has been everywhere. She’s been in blockbuster mega hit movies, as well as steaming piles of cinema dog poop. After not really hearing about her since Miss Congeniality 2, I was surprised to see her pretty, girl-next-door face popping up in movie trailers once again. She seemed to just come back from out of nowhere.
At this point in 2009, I thought to myself “Wow, maybe Sandra made a pact with Satan or something.”
Nah. That's just silly.
America’s favorite #2 choice for movies is probably just having a stroke of good luck. Besides, The Proposal and All About Steve look pretty terrible. It’s not like Sandra’s pulling out any new tricks or anything.
Then the unthinkable happened.
She totally hooked up with Meryl Streep!
That’s pretty awesome. I’ve personally wanted to make out with Meryl Streep for years. The only way I could ever get the opportunity to do that would be to sell my soul to the devil. Clearly something fishy is going on here.
Is that...an Oscar? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?
SERIOUSLY! Sandra Bullock, star of Practical Magic, beat out makeout buddy and respected actress Meryl Streep to win an Oscar for best actress!
At this point I knew it. There’s more here than meets the eye. There’s no way Sandra could pull this off and still have custody of her own eternal soul. IT’S SO OBVIOUS! Sandra was slipping out of the limelight so she called up Lucifer and negotiated a contract. She gets an Oscar, but must continue to make shitty romantic comedies that win Razzies. She gets Hollywood clout, and the Devil gets to take control of her soul and everything she holds dear. She made the deal in 2008 and after making her movies in 2009, she got to cash in during the Oscars in 2010.
Naturally, now that she has received her half of the bargain, Satan is getting his too.
Man, Satan's a Real Asshole
The Nazi coloring book page woman you see above is Michelle McGee. She was sleeping with Sandra’s husband while she filmed the Blindside. I don’t know much about her backstory, but I’m fairly sure she’s a foot soldier for Beelzebub’s unholy army. One of his dark minions sent to Earth to destroy Sandra’s life.
Mark my words, until Sandra discovers some sort of loophole in her contract, she’s in real trouble. That blood signature is going to keep causing problems.
Still not convinced? Just wait for Miss Congeniality 3. It’s a comin’.
