Mermaid vs. Human

In the latest Octavarius podcast, we touched on how life as a mermaid would be great because, well, Disney tells us so and because mermaids don’t have to undergo the pains of childbirth! But would I really choose to give up all fun human activities for a life “Under the Sea?” Let us dive deeper into this question and measure out the pros and cons before we reach any salty conclusions.

Don't be deceived by her beauty.

First off, a short history about mermaids. Mermaids have been a part of mythology and folklore since 1000 B.C. and traditionally have a female human head and torso with the tail of a fish. Mermaids were an unlucky omen for seafarers; they sang to enchant sailors and led them to drown underwater or walk the plank. These bitches be violent!!!

Columbus reported that he saw three mermaids on his first voyage to the Americas. The crew said that the females “rose high out of the sea, but were not as beautiful as they are represented.” For all we know, Columbus could have just seen some sexy manatees. In 1560, there was an account of seven mermaids caught in fishnets off the coast of Ceylon. Also, a mermaid was killed in 1830 on the small island of Benbecula in the Outer Hebride, and there have been mermaid spotings as recently as August 2009 in Kiryat Yam. I remain skeptical, mostly because the names of these cities sound imaginary. This is a recent mermaid/alien creature found by fishermen in Russia in 2007.

More mutant-like than Ariel.

History aside, is there enough reason to give up lungs for gills, and legs for fins? While researching mermaids, I stumbled upon spells to recite if you would like to become an actual mermaid. I closed my eyes and scrolled away because I didn’t want my life to become that one Disney Channel Original movie, The Thirteenth Year. But it did make me stop and ponder, would becoming a mermaid free me of life’s pains and troubles?

I found many benefits to the carefree mermaid life. For one, I would have cheerful friends like Sebastian and Flounder who’d break out into Calypso and accompany me on adventures! According to Hook, I would get to make out with Peter Pan and have fun-colored hair. Also, I wouldn’t have to pay bills or work a boring day job. It’d be back to the Middle Ages with use of the barter system and hunting for your own food! Swimming and diving is a constant workout, so I’d be real sexylike without having to do my workout DVD’s. I’d have highly developed sense organs, which sounds like just being high all the time. Also, as aforementioned, I would get to lay eggs instead of having to go through the pains of labor. After the merman drops his goods my way, I’d eventually undergo oviparous, which means the eggs develop outside the mother’s body (WEIRD!) And there’s a chance I could grow to be enormous; some mermaids were described as monstrous, up to 2,000 feet! I’d have a school of fish to back me up, and if a dude ever broke my heart, I could get my father to strike him with his Trident. Other perks include: bragging rights for being part of Mythology, being represented in cool paintings/figureheads/tuna cans, and getting to constantly Wink the movie Splash.

Sounds like a pretty sweet lifestyle, doesn’t it? But before I start chanting magical spells in my bathtub, I have to look at the negatives of mermaid life as well. I do enjoy many activities that involve legs: jump rope, square dancing, kicking small things that deserve it. These joyous activities would be near impossible with a giant pair of fins. Also, I would probably get eaten fairly quickly because I wouldn’t be used to the whole underwater predator/prey deal. Do you remember how scary that shark was in The Little Mermaid?! Now translate that to real life!

Sharks, anglerfish, and giant octopi would all creep on me while I sleep, there would be dangers abound by humans fishing with nets, and if I got washed ashore from a flood, I’d be totally screwed.  In addition, I would miss human food a whole lot. I would have to give up deep dish pizza and dark chocolate for a diet that consists of seaweed and something that looks like my bottom half. And can we PLEASE stop dancing around the subject? Human sex is awesome, and it would be nonexistent in this underwater paradise! You could try, but it’d just end up awkward for both parties. It’s just not how nature intended.

I tried, to no avail.

After weighing these pros and cons, I have decided to keep my bottom half. Humans are just too awesome, and I feel that myths are meant to be myths. As much as I would love to lure in a sailor with my enchantress music and then take him prisoner at the bottom of the ocean, I shall remain warm-blooded. But if anyone knows any spells for growing wings, feel free to send them my way.