By Tinz on June 16, 2010

(A timely and thoughtful response to Castellvi’s drunken ramblings about the LOST steak dinner bet.)

Over five years ago Castellvi was foolish enough to make a friendly (read: venomous) wager with me about the outcome of LOST. The fool actually thought that my brilliant mind wouldn’t be able to put together all of the carefully-placed pieces of LOST’s 121 episodes and reconstruct the series’ vision of a completely rational, scientifically plausible island experience.  For the past several weeks Castellvi has been prattling on about ME having lost our half-decade bet (in brief moments of clarity in between his psychoses brought on by huffing the contents of inflated airbags). Can you even believe that?

"But airrrrrbags...dey be so tayyysty!" Matt Castellvi

Castellvi, the good news for you is that you’ve presented me with about 20 “bet-winning” “gaps of logic and science” within the show. The bad news is that I’m going to debunk every single one of them and show that the series IS possible within the laws of science. Tremble in the face of my logics, and weep as you taste the juicy, medium-rare flavors of defeat!

  • 1. The smoke monster WAS just a system of nanobots. It is so technologically advanced that it was capable of projecting a realistic hologram of John Locke and others, giving the appearance of assembling itself into human form.
  • 2. The near-constant repetition of the numbers throughout the series actually held no significance. The Atlanta Journal of Actuarial Science reports that 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42 are the six most commonly-used numbers – in every culture.
  • 3. Rose’s terminal cancer, which “magically disappeared” on the island, was a miracle: a miracle of science. In Season 1, Episode 5 (“White Rabbit”), she steps on something sharp, exclaiming “Ouch! What was that? Probably nothing.” A zoomed-in screenshot shows that she stepped on the needle of a small syringe labeled “Dharma Remission Serum”.

    He's "cooking up" a concession speech.

  • 4. Richard Alpert was never granted immortality. The 2010 Spanish census reports that the average life expectancy of a Spanish man is 377 years. Surprised? You shouldn’t be; get off the couch and read a foreign census report once in a while.
  • 5. The gigantic electromagnet capable of pulling a plane out of the sky but not powerful enough to implode the hatch at the same time? The only explanation is that it must have been an AEM (aerial electromagnet), which magnifies its power exponentially above an elevation of 20,000 feet.
  • 6. In Season 2, Episode 9 (“What Kate Did”), Kate sees a black horse on the island that she saw long before Oceanic Flight 815. This is a common phenomenon known as equine relocation, in which a horse that has a strong affinity toward a human or animal can concentrate hard enough to dissipate and briefly reassemble its atoms near the object of its affection. (Source: Extraordinary Horses Quarterly, February 2007) This has not been heavily documented since horses are generally easily distracted and most are incapable of loving.
  • 7. Big shocker: “time travel” on the island was all an elaborate Dharma prank. Remember that episode of South Park where everyone accidentally convinced Cartman that he died? If a handful of children can do that by mistake, it should come as no surprise that dozens of highly-qualified scientists were capable of coordinating what to say to the survivors, such as “Why, it’s 1955, of course!”. What better way to keep the losties in line than to constantly confuse them with lines like “President? Ronald Reagan? The actor!?” and “What do you mean your parents fell in love at the Enchantment Under The Sea dance? Why, that dance is tonight!”

Are you taking this all in, Castellvi? Hello?? Castellvi? Anybody home?? Think, Castellvi, think!

"OH GOD TINZ, YOU'RE SO RIGHT!!!"

  • 8. Before Flight 815, Jacob personally touched all of the people that he “selected” to be on the island. This only looks like magic selection because of the shots that they chose for Season 5’s finale “The Incident”. What they didn’t show you was the footage of the other six billion people that he touched. Jacob had made it his life’s quest to personally make physical contact with every human being on the planet. Guess what? He succeeded.
  • 9. People on the island frequently “saw” old friends, deceased family members, etc. on the island. Every person to whom this applies had, at one point or another, stepped on the beach’s sand with their bare feet. National Geographic eXtreme (July 1988) reported a number of beaches containing hallucinogenic sand (informally known as “Scarecrow Sand”). Grains of this sand enters the bloodstream through pores in the feet, causing the victim to “see visions of old friends, deceased family members, etc.”
  • 10. Miles could never actually have conversations with the dead. He did, however, have such an acute sense of smell that just by walking over a grave he could could tell how they died (by smelling gunpowder, poison, or gangrene on the buried body), who they were (by smelling the contents of their wallets) and how they felt before they died (by smelling their minds).

    • Whoa, lost my train of thought for a second. I was too focused on how delicious my free steak is going to be.

  • 11. The island can not be found by anyone who doesn’t already know where it is. Because it was a really cloudy day when the Google Maps team was taking satellite pictures over the area. This is not that hard to figure out, people.
  • 12. After the destruction of the hatch, Desmond Hume supposedly traveled back to London and relived his past. Extended, lifelike delusions have been known to trigger during momentary comas (or “momas”). People often experience momas of five seconds or less after having been exposed to a powerful magnetic field, though their vivid dreams may seem to have taken place over the course of months or even years. (Source: So You’ve Had A Moma, Dr. Emmitt Sanders, Dallas Press, 1997)
  • 13. After his moma, Desmond can supposedly predict the future, saving Charlie’s life several times. More like he had a series of really lucky guesses.

    "I'm so 'doggone' tired of Tinz being right all the time!"

  • 14. Jacob’s lighthouse mirror can see anywhere in the world that he points it towards. Jacob simply had an ultramirror, which you can make at home! Simply take an ordinary hand mirror, and with a new, soft towel polish it 5,000 times clockwise (NOT COUNTERCLOCKWISE. I can not stress this enough; if you value your life and the lives of your family, DO NOT polish it counterclockwise). Whisper the name of the person that you wish to spy on and point it in their general direction. Congratulations! You’ve just made an ultramirror. (Source: Highlights For Kids, July 2009)
  • 15. The implausibly enormous four-toed statue that Jacob stays in was built over 15,000 years ago when, according to realsciencestuff4you.com, the average person was 70 feet tall and capable of building up to 4 implausibly enormous statues in his/her lifetime.

The thought of that wonderful steak is so powerful, I’m salivating all over the internet right now.

  • 16. The “cork” pulled out of the cave that makes the island begin to crumble and fall was removed from an “earthquake hole”, a pit typically found along large fault lines. When its “earthquake cork” is removed, the fault lines smash together in a spectacular fashion capable of sinking large islands. (Source: “Hey, What Ever Happened To Atlantis?”, Time Magazine, November 15, 2007)
  • 17. Sayid never died and never got resurrected in the temple. Yes, I know that you saw it happen in Season 6. But did you bother to take note of when that episode aired? April Fools Day. Don’t look it up.
  • 18. The cabin on the island appears in three separate locations throughout the series. Or does it? Another close-up reveals the following carved into the door of each cabin: “Cabin 1”, “Cabin 2”, and “Cabin 1…just kidding, this is Cabin 3”.
  • 19. Jacob and the Man In Black were never granted immortality. They actually can time-travel – very fortunate considering that the only other person capable of time travel is the famous time burglar John Smith (Source: johnsmithprofessionaltimeburglar.wordpress.com). Ever wonder why you’ve met so many John Smiths in your lifetime? They’re all the same person.

  • "Oh well. Better console myself by sucking up another delicious airbag."

  • 20. The “flash-sideways” purgatory realm was completely misinterpreted by everybody. Everyone survived the island, left, and met back up in the church five years later for a heartfelt reunion. Also, it was all a dream anyway. How do I know that this is true? Because if it’s not, then I have to buy Castellvi a steak dinner.

I rest my case, Castellvi. I’ll see you at Gibson’s. Bring plenty of cash.