By 
All this talk about the apocalypse has got me thinking. All joking aside, what would I do if the apocalypse hit tomorrow? I’d have very little time to live, so I’d want to spend my last days on Earth doing what I love, and avoid doing what I don’t love. Let’s assume I’m the only person that knows the apocalypse is coming, and I’ve just not decided to tell anyone.
Things I would do:
Eat steak.
I like meat. Nothing beats a nicely cooked piece of beef. I’d definitely hit up one of my new favorite places, Jameson’s Char House.
I went there with my dad last weekend, and I have to say – if that was my last meal, I’d be a-ok with dying. The steak was tender and delicious, the drinks refreshing, and our server Claudio made my dad and me feel like royalty.
Inform every douchebag on the street that they are douchebags.
Maybe I’m just an asshole, but I can’t help it. I have a very strong, very polished douchebagdar. It goes off constantly. Every day I struggle to bite my tongue when riding the bus or el. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to look at someone dressed like this chode and not say “Hey. Look at you. You obviously got a small penis. Stop breathing.”
Things I would not do:
Eat Placenta.
BWo mentioned in the podcast this week that he would be interested in trying placenta. Keep in mind this was not because of the apocalypse causing some food shortage. Brian would just like to try it. Placenta. The sac of guts that holds a growing baby. The same sac is punctured when the baby is born, then flushed out of the woman’s bloody, messy vagina. Brian would be willing to eat this. Brian – if you’re reading this, please watch the following video about cooking placenta. The best part begins at the 50 second mark, when the woman says “I just cut the umbilical cord off.”
Visit Touch iBar
The concept is simple, and right up my alley. A bar that features touch screens on the tables. You can play games, order drinks, do whatever right at your table. Sounds fun and interesting, right? So why would I not go to this place even if it was the last bar on earth?
1. The touch screens don’t fucking work. When my fiancée and I sat down at our table, the bouncer gave us a quick overview of how to use the screen. “If you’re familiar with the iPhone, you’ll feel right at home.” He was right, except by “feel right at home ” he meant “want to pull out a hammer and smash the shit out of the bar because the screen doesn’t react to what you touch 75% of the time.” Can you imagine if 1 out of every 4 times you swiped your finger on your iPhone nothing happened? You’d kill someone.
2. Lack of things to touch. Assuming your screen works, what can you do with it at this bar? Not much. It’s primarily used to order drinks. They have a decent interface for the menu, and a nice little shopping cart to send your drink orders to the bar. Want to know what’s funny? I couldn’t find the drink I wanted on the menu (A simple vodka martini) so I had to call the waitress over to order my drink face to face. Kind of defeats the purpose, no?
After receiving our drinks, we started playing with the screen. Here’s what we could do:
- Play Tic-Tac-Toe
- Look at a map of the world (that didn’t load most of the time)
- Look at photos (of strangers who took their pictures at the bar previously)
- Ask the crystal skull a question (a lame magic 8 ball type program with less than 5 canned responses, 1 of which said something like “I can’t think now, why not order ___ vodka?” I forget the brand of vodka, but it was a blatant commercial.
- Flirt with other tables – essentially a shitty chat room in case you want to type to the person sitting next to you rather than speak to them.
That’s it. That’s all you can do with these “interactive” screens. Luckily, Susan and I were pretty drunk and had a good series of Tic-Tac-Toe games. But that’s all you can do! No internet? No videos? What a joke.
Right now you’re saying, “Ok Scott, that sounds super shitty, but surely it can’t be so bad that you wouldn’t visit the place if it were the last bar on earth!”
Let me tell you a final nugget of information about this place. The true reason why I wouldn’t go to this bar: The price.
I expect to pay too much for drinks when I go to a bar, especially a gimmicky bar like this. But they didn’t just overcharge me, they took out a big black rod and shoved it way up my pooper.
The drinks (a vodka martini and a Captain and Coke) came out to $17 according to my touch screen shopping cart. When I closed my check, the bill was $20.74. I asked the server why the bill was almost $4 extra than what I expected. That’s when she informed me of details that I really wish I knew when I walked in:
There is a “fee” for sitting at the touch screen tables. Had we decided to sit at a regular table – you know, a table that didn’t include the touch screen, the only reason I would come into this bar – then we wouldn’t have been charged.
I asked her what the charge was for. She told me the charge was there for 2 reasons. The company that installed these useless, shoddy touch screens charges the bar for their use. That $3.74 I was charged to sit at the table? It goes to this company. Secondly, the charge is there to prevent people from, and I quote, “sitting around for hours just playing with the touch screen.” Who the fuck is going to sit around a table looking at pictures of strangers and asking the crystal skull “Will I get laid tonight?” for hours???
I asked the waitress if she could remove the charge since we were only there for 20 minutes, and the fact that there was about 4 other people in the entire bar. My request was denied.
And that is the reason why I will never, ever set foot in Touch iBar again. Even if the bar survived the apocalypse, they wouldn’t get any of my precious bottle cap money. (I’m assuming we’ll switch to bottle caps as our primary unit of apocalyptic currency.)
