By 
I had the good sense a few years ago to start investing my money in the hateful political rhetoric futures market. Shortly after a recession and the 2008 election of President Obama, my investment was really starting to pay off. People were shouting in the streets, 1950’s-era Communists were back and scarier than ever, and everyone was headed for free health care death camps. The OMG EVERYTHING IS GONNA DIE BECAUSE SOCIALISM AND OBAMA era was a goldmine for some, but what was once a lucrative and expanding industry, is now thinning out.
I first noticed it after I realized I had gone over a week without turning on the tv and hearing Sarah Palin say something horrible. Then, famous chalkboard-touting, crying conspiracy man Glenn Beck announced he is stepping down from Fox News. These two were once the titans of their industry and now they are vanishing right before our eyes! Because America simply cannot go without the service of these hilarious media concoctions, I have been racking my brain for ways to help keep them making millions in the next year.
Glenn,
Go heel. Turn on Fox News. Become a liberal. Accept Jon Stewart’s offer to go on the Daily Show and cry about the horrors of the inner workings of Fox. Get a book deal and a frequent spot in the Huffington Post’s blogger list. Then, once you have a new show and a couple million dollars more, turn heel yet again! Betray the liberals by going back to Fox News. Claim you were kidnapped by Marxists and indoctrinated by George Soros. Sell a bunch more books, and repeat the process as many times as you can. Or just see if you can go to the WWE and battle the Iron Sheik.
And Sarah,
I’m actually kind of stumped for you. I guess you could run for president. At the very least, comedians would really appreciate the work. We truly love you, but we’re having a hard time finding reasons to keep making fun of you. Unless you do something new, everyone is tightening their belts and unfortunately this industry is going to have to trim some costs. Remember, you can always just run up to the halfway point and quit. I think everybody would be ok with that.
While the loss of these two may hurt my investment, at the end of the day, I think all of this is all a good sign. Our government could have shut down at the end of last week and that probably would have been uncool for everybody. Instead it looks like in 2012 people may have to start coming together and having serious discussions with a slight reduction in ridiculous sideshow hijinks. Here’s to less insanity and more cooperation in the next year!
…even though the comedians will suffer.
