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During the Podcast we talked about what Harry Potter characters we would all be because Lauren said so. This proved difficult for me because, since I have a desire to have a life, I have not read the Harry Potter novels. I am told that they are “way” better than the films, and yet, I am also told than instead of being motionized pictures and sounds that produce visible images of enjoyment, they are novels filled with gay words that “describe” events and force me to use my “imagination.” Nice try J.K. Rowling! I didn’t ask for homework! Start spelling your name you British whore!
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Regardless, I HAVE, however, seen the films. Most of which are god awful. But the best film of the series that I have seen is Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. This is the fourth installment of the Just Kidding Rowling series, and it is pretty pointless, accept for one key
"come at me, Bro."
element.
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David Tennant as Barty Crouch Jr.
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For those of you who have not seen the film or suffered through the book, this one is about Harry Potter.
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Big Fucking Surprise.
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He has to go to wizard school still and for some reason he also has to compete in a wizard competition, much to the surprise of his teachers and classmates who have, up to this point, not noticed that every year Harry puts the school into unimaginable danger. Here’s how I imagine the conversations go at Hogwarts:
1. Did you hear what happened to Harry Potter?
2. What? That he survived the Killing Curse from the most evil and powerful wizard and he goes to our school?
1. No.
2. That 3 years ago he became the youngest quidditch player, defeated Voldemort and killed a teacher?
1. No.
2. That 2 years ago he was the cause of a Basilisk that nearly murdered a lot of our friends?
1. No.
"why don't i have friends?"
2. That last year we had to sit in our dorms all year because some guy was trying to kill HIM and we failed our potions exam because of it which made our dads beat us with the fabled ‘Beating Spell’?
1. No, he got into the legendary triwizard tournament competition that he’s not allowed to be in.
2. oh… you think Hermione does anal?
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Anyway, due to the predictable writing from Justin 2 Kelly Rowling, Harry gets to do spells or some shit and wins all the challenges despite the notable obstacle of being hated by everyone. BUT before he gets to the last challenge, he sees the memories of his gay (thats a fact, look it up) head master, Dumbledore featuring BARTY CROUCH JR.
Sac up, Nevil!
In the memory some fucking NARC is spilling the beans about death-eaters (bad asses) to save himself (fucking coward) and tells the jury about this pimp who tortured some loser wizards with an awesome curse.
C’mon… That’s not a crime, that’s called HAZING! Wizards can be such pussies.
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But the best part, is when Barty Crouch Jr. is found to be a death-eater. He has the greatest moment that anyone could ever dream of having in their short lifetime.
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The “Drag Me Out, Kicking and Screaming” moment.
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All my life I have wanted a moment like that. Where, due to the shocking events and the highest of unbelievability, Civilization swarms me and I have to be held at bay by men who are the only thing stopping me from ripping someone’s face off with my teeth. And just then, as I fight for freedom with every muscle, a feeling of tranquility washes over me, just for a second, right after my father casts me out. And as I realize that there is no redemption. That there is no god. And as the last piece of civilized humanity leaves my body, I lunge forward and the only words that can be discerned from my feral lips are:
“GAAAAAGGGGH!”
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"lets dance, old man!!!!"
God that would be great. But alas, I have never gotten to experience that perfect moment. A moment where the things get so fucking out of control, so fucking real that people actually have to hold you back because you have gone completely BATSHIT!
But David Tennant has.
And not only does the great David Tennant get to portray this coveted moment, he also is immediately crowned with the title, “Best Scream in Cinema.” After everything in his world falls to shit and he is found out as a murderer, his own father disowns him. It’s a moment that makes your balls squeak with delight. I know mine do every time I see this scene at the 3:13 mark. :
HOLY SHIT! God, what I wouldn’t give to be justified into giving that GAAAAAAAGHHH!
Sadly, the likelihood of me being able to give a perfect scream of that magnitude and have it be justified is low. Few people get to live in a moment like that. Its not like I can freak out at a Wendy’s when my order is messed up and have it feel as good as that looked… mainly because most people don’t feel like dragging you out of anywhere (but don’t think that has stopped me at Burger King). Can you imagine being in the room when that shit went down? How the fuck could you top that story?
1. WHOA! Did you just see that?
2. Holy cock-sucking Petronom! Yeah I did! Man, that shit got heated and quick.
1. Pussy Fuckin’ Broomsticks, it did! Did he just get drug out kicking and screaming?
2. Dude, when he screamed I thought i was gonna Expeliumis in my pants.
1. Did you know I wasn’t even gonna come watch this trial today? I was on my way out door, and I forgot my briefcase here and came back for it. True story.
2. Dude, my wand is fucking THROBBING that was so intense.
I won’t spoil the ending for you…the ending where harry pretty much causes Voldemort to return, Cedric dies, and it turns out Mad-Eye Moody is really Barty Crouch Jr. in disguise. that’s not my way. BUT I highly advise you see this film, although David Tennant is barely in the film , when he is he makes your asshole shrivel with pleasure. And that’s what film is all about. Thank you Jerry the King Rowling. You’re officially 1 for 7
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