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Remember when America was doomed because of socialism and tyranny? Well fear no more! John Boehner and the Republicans are the majority in the House of Representatives and for the next two years they will have everything under control.
Thank God. For a while, it felt like people were literally farting socialism.
The Congressional DemonCRAPS got their asses handed to them in the 2010 elections because America was sick of them committing treason by passing laws. Republicans have been in the house for 24 days and have already accomplished some incredible things. Just look at this chart!
Yea boy. Month after month of positive economic job growth and the only thing the Republicans had to do was fight against it every step of the way and then take credit for it. That’s why they only do symbolic things like read the Constitution out loud and pretend they want to repeal health care. They are so fiscally responsible, they can fix the economy by simply showing up and not doing anything.
Americans made their voices heard loud and clear this past election. We don’t want politicians to pass legislation that helps the economy. We’d rather they just wear suits, dick around, and take credit for said legislation. Oh! And cry, too. Everyone knows a never ending supply of adult male tears makes our country freer and more economically successful.
Like all great American leaders, House Speaker Boehner publicly cries often
But what about all that shit they said for the past two years?
Glad you asked! In the year 2011, everything the Republicans have said for the past two years no longer means anything. Remember when they were all about reducing the deficit because it will turn our grandchildren into government slaves? Well that was a problem last year, but it’s all cool in 2011. Repealing health care would add $230 billion to the deficit, but they don’t give no fuck. They gotta stick it to SPENDbama somehow, so they might as well do it through more spending because freedom.
But what about the Tea Party? Surely they mean everything they said for the past two years!
Nah.
First off, the Tea Party is a nonpartisan collection of proud American patriots who hate everything Obama does, oppose Democrats and liberalism, and run as Republicans in elections. They are in no way affiliated with the Republican party. And sure, they spent two years pretending to be revolutionaries under a flag declaring the government the enemy of the people, but they weren’t serious.
When they said people are honestly considering second amendment remedies against Democrats unless they stop their efforts to try to fix the economy, of course they didn’t actually mean it. Everyone knows shooting politicians is horrible. They just said they might because it sounds cool and they don’t feel like paying taxes. They don’t actually want to overthrow the government, they just think dressing up like Ben Franklin is super fun.
In hindsight, these people were clearly joking
I can only imagine what money-saving ideas Republicans will come up with over the next two years. Maybe they can take turns reading the entire Bible on CSPAN, or impeach Obama for no reason. The sky’s the limit!
For more political fun check out the Octavarius Rally to Restore Sanity flickr
