Dude, Will You Civil Union Me?

Historic legislation has passed the Illinois House giving gays the right of Civil Unions.  The bill is headed to Gov. Pat Quinn’s desk where is has said he will sign the bill into law which may go into effect as early as June 2011.  The bill will give state level protections such as hospital visitation rights and health care coverage while falling short of federal level joint tax filing which is normally given under full marriage.

Bear Claws

In the spirit of inclusion the bill is left open to Heterosexual couples as well.  It’s not just for those gays anymore!  The seniors of Illinois were one of the larger lobbying groups for Hetero inclusion.  If a person were to remarry, social security or survivor’s pensions would be forfeit.  A widow, for example, could get a civil union with her new beau while technically remaining a widow enabling that new beau to half of her dead husband’s pension.  BaGoo.

This got me thinking:  If two gay men could get a Civil Union and a straight man and a straight women could get a Civil Union, there’s really nothing stopping two straight men from getting a Civil Union…

… And so, with this well thought out idea I’d like to make my true intentions clear by asking the question:  Brian Wohl, will you Civil Union me?

Allow me to clarify.  Brian has a long term girlfriend (whom I adore).  I, too, have a long term girlfriend (my hand and wireless internet) and in no way wish to make this a gay thing or a bromance.  But I’m a bicycle (and beer) enthusiast, a troubling combination, and this winter I’ve had some run-ins with the pavement.  It’s a matter of time before I spill my brains on Clark Street so I’ve given this a lot of thought.  Were I to go into a coma, my mother would pull the plug, my father would keep me on a machine, and my sister would dress me up as different historical figures and take pictures of me as Vegetable Abe Lincoln or Vegetable Albert Eisenstein or Vegetable Lady Gaga.  It would tear my family apart.  The hostility, the feelings of responsibility and grief would be too much to handle.  I’d want to take this out of their hands and put Brian in charge so their anger wouldn’t be aimed inwards but against another person.  Give them time, they’ll get over it.

You win. We'll watch Myth Busters...

Now the ceremony.  It wouldn’t have to be anything big, we could just invite the closest friends who could also officiate the service (more on that later).  But I think the ceremony should really reflect who we are and what’s important to us.  We could start off the evening with a beer and a Jack’s Pizza, watch Deadliest Catch or Iron Chef or Planet Earth, maybe some Conan.  I’d rant about some new right-wing conspiracy I heard on Rachael Maddow and he could talk to me about the Bear’s defensive line.  We could cuddle up on the couch.

We could do it on the cheap.  The internet offers a variety of recession based options for this very situation.  Ordainmeplease.com and spiritualhumanism.org offer ordination and marriage performing powers (for free!) to anyone who has an email address and a first and last name.

So congratulations Illinois!  You’re about to be the fifth state to offer Civil Unions in the US.  And the first to offer it to Heterosexual couples!  So come on, Brian!  Say “I do” and make some history!