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An "iced" bro keeps his pride
If you’re just a regular guy, you probably don’t understand why a self-respecting man would get down on one knee and chug a Smirnoff Ice. But the above picture is not of some regular guy. The man pictured above is a bro. I don’t know how many bros regularly read Octavarius, but I assume we get more non-bros than bros. “Icing a bro” is just as dumb as it sounds. Just ask any frat guy. They will know all about it.
How to “Ice” a Bro
Walk up to a bro in any time, place, or situation, and present a Smirnoff Ice. At this point, all the other bros in the room will chant “you got iced” drunkenly. The unlucky recipient then has to get down on one knee and humiliatingly chug the bottle of disgusting sugary alcohol while everyone laughs. The best “icings” are the ones done sneakily. Try sneaking a bottle into a bowl of soup or into the pocket of a bro’s passed out freshman girlfriend. That will score you ultimate bro points.
How Not to Get Iced
It seems like a true red-blooded bro has no real options after being iced. If someone sneakily (or not sneakily, it actually doesn’t matter) gives you a Smirnoff Ice, you have no choice but to chug it. That is, unless you “ice block” them. “Ice blocking” means you already have a Smirnoff Ice within reach. When your bro tries to ice you, present your own bottle of Smirnoff and reverse the ice. Then they have to drink a girly drink while everybody laughs.
Why the Icing Game Sucks
The Icing Game is total bullshit because there’s no way to participate in the game without buying Smirnoff Ice. If someone refuses an ice, they are excommunicated from the game and never again allowed to ice someone. They also get their bro status permanently revoked (I think). The only way to be the ultimate Ice King is to carry a bottle of embarrassing bitch drink with you wherever you go. By the by, a six pack of Smirnoff Ice usually costs $7.
Why the Icing Game is Brilliant
“Icing a Bro” is an idea that can only be conceived by a true Public Relations guru. I’m convinced that a suit at Smirnoff came up with this idea. I’m sure their PR department had some sort of brainstorming meeting that went exactly like this word-for-word.
PR Guy #1-Well the numbers are in. Apparently our product does well with women, particularly young girls. In terms of men, only those completely oblivious to the awesomeness of beer will drink Smirnoff Ice. And even then, it’s usually just a phase they grow out of.
PR Guy #2-How about alpha males, frat boys, and other men who binge drink to be respected?
PR Guy #1-They consider the act of drinking Smirnoff Ice a “humiliating and emasculating experience.”
PR Guy #2-How about we start encouraging frat boys to use it to humiliate each other?
PR Guy #1-That’s a great idea! Let’s celebrate with a frothy round of Smirnoff Ice!
PR Guy #2-Haha. Nice try, douchebag.
PR Guy #1-Ha. Yeah yeah. The only way a man would drink that shit is if he had to prove his masculinity to a bunch of belligerent morons. Let’s go drink some beers.
And scene!
So congrats, bros. You’ve all become corporate whores. You’re part of a valuable demographic and the thinkers at the Smirnoff Company have figured out how to exploit your pride to buy their girly drinks.
Why It’s Ok to Participate in the “Icing a Bro” Phenomenon
Because it’s still funny. Especially if you’re creative in your icing tactics.
Like this cop who iced a kid.
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qqRoZQw4HA
Or this guy who iced Coolio. That’s right. This is a video of Coolio getting iced.
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tR46X3jF1sg
So congratulations, Smirnoff Ice PR Guy. You’ve successfully figured out how to get frat guys to proudly buy Smirnoff Ice. I commend your tactics, but it’s gonna take a lot more than that to get me to chug a gross, grape-flavored Barbie drink on my knees in front of a bunch of drunk dudes.
