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This is apparently not the freshest of news, but it is the most relevant news in the world. I know that, like all Americans, you spent the first nice spring day in your area conducting a yearly bee count. Whereas last year your spring bee count might have reached 200, this year it is probably hovering right around 100. Your data correctly shows a trend, sir or madam; according to this article, the population of honeybees in both the U.S. and U.K. is about half of what it was 25 years ago. This is big news for humanity, since bees are horrible creatures.
Above: an abomination, captured on film. Also, lots of bees.
Recent studies have shown that we are the cause of the decline of the bee infestation! More specifically, it turns out that our cell phones are accidental weapons of bee destruction. Dr. Daniel Favre (relation to Brett assumed) carried out the experiment:
He placed two mobile phones under a beehive and recorded the high pitched calls made by the bees when the handsets were switched off, placed on stand-by and activated.
Around 20 to 40 minutes after the phones were activated, the bees began to emit “piping” calls – a series of high pitched squeaks that announce the start of swarming.
Basically, bees flip out around the signals emitted by a cell phone making or receiving a call, something that we have become increasingly experienced at over the past quarter-century. This is very possibly contributing to what the article is calling “colony collapse disorder”. From what I can gather, this is similar to placing a headache machine in the middle of a block of cubicles. After a while the office workers are going to get fed up with dealing with electromagnetically-induced headaches all day, and many of them will quit. And their headaches will further confuse them in the parking lot, where Bob, Linda, and Clarence will start behaving erratically and suddenly die.
So keep making those calls, America! We already have all the honey we’ll ever need.
FUCK 'EM
