Cats: Just waiting for you to Die

For those of you who missed the podcast this week, I brought up information about cats that I learned through my many travels along the internet (it’s the 21st century Tinz, that’s how people get information, you slag!).  Specifically that cats will eat their owner if the owner dies.  I was greeted with my factual information from my compatriot, once again, with skepticism.  Well suck my knowledge boner bitches:

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“Sometimes, when an individual living alone dies unexpectedly, several days may pass before anyone takes notice. Some of these individuals may own a dog or a cat, which will go unfed. In my experience, a dog may go for several days before finally resorting to eating the owner’s body. A cat, on the other hand, will only wait a day or two. Just goes to show you which is more loyal. So, the next time you’re falling asleep on the couch with the football game on, take a look at your cat. He’s not watching you because he’s enamored of you; he’s checking to see if your chest is still moving.”

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This is from the 1992 American Academy of Forensic Sciences conference in New Orleans from a forensic pathologist.  You can look it up at straightdope.com: A Staff Report from the Straight Dope Science Advisory Board.  Oh and in case you thought you were done drinking my education cum:

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LOS ANGELES – A group of hungry cats began to eat their 86-year-old owner after she suffered an apparent stroke and couldn’t get up for nearly a week, officials said Thursday.

Mae Lowrie, who lives with seven cats, was discovered unconscious and riddled with bite marks Wednesday night at her Panorama City apartment, Fire Department and hospital officials said.

She was listed in fair condition at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center, said hospital spokeswoman Lisa Kort.

The cats, apparently without food for that time, also tried to eat Lowrie’s small dog, said Jackie David, a spokeswoman for the city Animal Services Department. The terrier showed signs of hypothermic shock, severe dehydration, respiratory illness and was later euthanized, she said. One of the cats, a kitten, was found dead.

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That old bitch wasn’t even DEAD before those murderous fiends pounced on her.  This means that they FUCKING ATE HER ALIVE!! now just imagine that, Jerry Parker from Chicago IL, you are eating Coco Puffs before work as you are wont to do, and you fall down and hit your head.  When you come to, your seven cats have eaten your hands off.  Terrifying.

Oh, and before they even BEGAN to finish her off, they started to eat the dog!  Its like something out of an m. night shamallama-ding dong movie except the twist is YOU fucking retards didn’t see it coming.

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So what have we learned?

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Well besides the fact that anyone who doubts me can lick my asshole,  more importantly, that cats are spawns of Lucifer.  Godless beasts who lie in wait for chances to kill their owners and feast on their flesh:

And after they kill their owners, these carrion abominations on Christ rip open their loving owners like a bag of soggy Fritos.  And as the cooling blood drips from their whiskers, it is said that they actually laugh.  Laugh knowing they will feed for days on the trusting nature of the humans that would kill to protect them.  And with a little luck, the police will show up before the next full moon….because hey, its fourth meal!

A dog on the other hand  would rather starve than eat you. What a fucking pal!  As I write this I think, “That’s what it has come down to.  All we expect of our pets is that they don’t eat us right away.”  The Dog will pray to its Dog God that you pull through and that you will play fetch with it or whatever stupid shit dogs think is fun.  Though dumb as they are, they know not to EAT the hands that feed them.   But then again that’s  why Dog is “Man’s best friend” and Cat is “Satan’s drinking buddy”

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Also,  there was a question in the podcast as of what breed of cat is hairless and I have done more research than everyone again and found that it is known as a Sphinx.  Possibly the most adorable of all the cat breeds.  Just look at this li’l guy

Now if you are going to sit there with your Capri Sun in hand and tell me that these wrinkly quadrupedal worm monsters AREN’T the things that rape you in Hell, you are a fucking liar, sir.

Its like the bug from Men in Black only more disgusting. These things look like they eat lies and crying babies in a pool of boar placenta.  Its like aliens came to earth and fucked all the leukemia patients. (I got a million of ’em!)

And in summation, cats hate humans and will not rest until the blood of every man, woman, and child is drained into their blackened milk saucers.  Only then will the evil night harpies known as Cat, rule this land.

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-For more information on cats and pagan gods, check out the internet…  you know, that thing you’re on now?

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