Being hated: The best way to get a hot girlfriend.

I’ve been working on this theory for a while now and I’m pretty sure I got it all figured out.

Case #1 Salmon Rushdie

Padma Lakshmi is the trophy host of Top Chef on Bravo.  I’m pretty sure she came to earth in a meteor shaped like a shell that cherubs perilously had to pry open, explaining the scar on her arm (you’re fired, cherubs!).  She was married to Salmon Rushdie for three years.  How is this possible?  No offense Sir Salmon, but your look like my nomadic great uncle on Halloween after way too many Manhattans.  And somehow you’ve snagged this hottie… the answer: There’s a Fatwa out against you.  A dude blew himself up trying to kill you.  People hate you!

What the hell?

After Rushdie’s Satanic Verses was published, people rioted and a member of Hezbollah “martyred” himself to kill Rushdie.  BaGooooo.  I hate to break it to you Mr. Suicide Bomber but no one even reads books anymore.  I had no interest in reading Satanic Verses but now I learned that a guy killed himself trying to stop the author – that’s piqued my interest.

Step 1 – Get a Fatwa out against yourself by insulting the entire Muslim world.

Case #2 Alan Greenspan

Ron Paul and Paul Krugman, are ideological enemies, about as far as you can get from each other’s political views.  Paul wants to return us to Gold doubloons as currency and Krugman wants to turn America (city on a hill) into Amerika (nanny state wussies).  What’s the one thing they agree on?  Hating Alan Greenspan, former Chairman of the Federal Reserve.  Why do they hate him?

What the hell?

Because he was possibly the one person most responsible for: The Savings and Loans scandal of the 80s, The Tech bubble of the 90s and The Banking collapse in 2008.  Matt Taibbi, has called Greenspan “The biggest asshole in the Universe.”  Perhaps a bit hyperbolic as he’s never been to Ceti Alpha 5, Hoth, or Biff’s 1985.

Greenspan inherited some tough genetics but people can hate him with the best of them.  Greenspan’s wife, you ask?  Andrea Mitchell, sex kitten and news reporter.  Q:  What the hell is going on here?  A:  Women are attracted to men that other people loathe.

Step 2 – Crash the economy several times over your tenure at your job.

The Anomaly Geoffrey Arend

The Anomaly and All Things Woman

Geoffrey Arend, actor of Super Troopers and 500 Days of Summer at first glance fits arc type (hot wife, ugly dude) however he was not hated for his past actions.  The theory is that the hatred is the antecedent to the smokin’ girlfriend.  Arend is recently married to all-things-woman Christina Hendricks of curvaceous Mad Men fame.  And this is where the hate comes in.  Geoffrey Arend is despised because he has a hot wife, not for crashing the economy or enraging a volatile region of the world or inventing spam or telemarketing.

My advice:  Get a fatwa put out against you.  Destroy people’s personal finances.  Be hated, then loved.