By 
Dear Gron Fitzs,
First of all, please allow me to explain how I know your name; my knowledge of this has no doubt taken you by surprise. As you know, sometime on Saturday night you shattered the front passenger-side window of my just-purchased-a-week-ago Saturn Ion, opened the glove compartment, stole my GPS, and left. The fact that you committed this act and did not leave an apology note leads me to believe that you did this on purpose. The fact that you did not realize the illegality of this act suggests that you, Gron, can not distinguish between what is legal or illegal – what is right and wrong. This, of course, can be traced back to your upbringing. My (100% accurate) guess is that your parents could also not make everyday decisions in a normal, human manner. When choosing a first name for you, my assumption (again, absolutely correct) is that your father wanted to name you Greg and your mother had an affinity for the name Ron. After a period of indecision and due to a lack of knowledge on how to properly name children, your name was created as an amalgam of the two possible choices. So there you have it, Gron.
As for your last name? Your family name used to be Fitzsimmons. That is, it was until your paternal grandparents decided that signing their full last name on legal documents was “a waste of our damn time” (their words, not mine) and shortened it. Now you get to live your life with a last name ending in “zs”. Good work, Family Fitzs.
Yes, Gron, this is what you look like. I created this picture and it is a perfect representation.
Gron, I’m afraid I must inform you of the consequences of your actions. For one, I’m now out of a perfectly good Garmin GPS. This is not a tremendous loss for me in the long run. Portable global positioning systems are now getting very inexpensive, and I can find a replacement for under two hundred dollars. If you were planning on selling it on a market (either black or standard), I’m afraid you may be disappointed. At a pawn shop, you would be lucky to fence the Garmin for fifty dollars – a mere seven hours of working your janitorial job at Hardees! (I could show you the research leading to my knowledge of your occupation, but I don’t want to bore you.) You’re certainly welcome to try using the Garmin for your own benefit, but I’m afraid that it might cause you more trouble than it’s worth. You forgot to steal the power cord, silly! You’ll have to spend twenty dollars just to charge it! Really, I wouldn’t even bother with it; it doesn’t even come with traffic updates. The Garmin will tell you to that the Kennedy is the quickest route home from Hardees, and you’ll end up spending almost two hours in traffic! You can try your luck, but don’t blame me when you and your ’93 Ford Escort are bumper-to-bumper for an afternoon.
Oopsies!
Now, there is the matter of the window that you broke. I’m certain that you are aware that you made quite a mess of my car, and I’m sure that you feel pretty sorry about it. It was only your intention to steal my valuables, not make an awful mess of the passenger side of my Saturn. But part of your upbringing surely included a lack of this sort of foresight, so I won’t hold it against you that you didn’t think about where glass goes after it explodes into a thousand pieces. However, I would greatly appreciate it if you would replace my window for me. You may know that I am a high school teacher. I don’t make a staggering amount of money, and I’d like to put my paychecks toward rent and other important things. I have to pay bills, Gron! I still wouldn’t be that steamed, but we are also approaching finals week at school. I’m being kept pretty busy at work, and if there’s one thing I’d prefer not to deal with at the moment, it’s replacing a window on a new car. Do you see the pickle that you’ve put me in, Gron?
I’m not asking for a whole lot here. You can keep the Garmin for your trouble… you might need it more than I do. What I would appreciate is an apology; if you feel too ashamed to talk to me in person, feel free to just slip a note under the windshield wiper. If you can spare it, it would also be great if you could pay for the window that you’ve so foolishly ruined. Of course I wouldn’t suggest putting a blank check on the window as well. You’d probably be better off peeling away some of the Saran-Wrap and duct tape and placing a check in the glove compartment. Thanks, Gron!
Hugsies,
Tinz
