5 Things That Every Hotel Should Have But Often Don’t

If you don’t know this about me, I travel the country performing improv comedy with the group MISSION IMPROVable and I stay in hotels all the time.  Some hotel chains are better than others (duhhhhh), but many hotels often fail in a lot of different ways.  These are some of the things that I think every hotel should be equipped with, but find that most… well… just fucking don’t.

I end up eating out at restaurants a lot (as do most people when they are out on the road on vacation or business) and find that there is a great need for

A Mini Fridge and a Microwave.

Let’s face it.  Portions in American restaurants are just out of control these days.  Most entree’s come with a salad, bread, and two sides.  Plus, most people order soda, wine, or beer along with their meal.  It’s hard for most of us people to eat all the food we’re given, so naturally, we get our food boxed up.

You’d think that in 2010, every hotel would be aware of the need for mini fridges and microwaves, but apparently they don’t.

And you know what’s really shitty?! There is no rhyme or reason to who does and doesn’t have these things.  I’ve been at Super 8’s (altogether not all that super) that have had microwaves and mini fridges and Holliday Inn Resorts that have had neither.

I’ve also been in hotels where my room has had no mini fridge, but the other room (the 4 of us that tour split into 2, 2-queen bed rooms) came fully equipped with one!  The FUCK?!

That’s stupid.  But not as stupid as the the lack of concern for

Properly Placed Outlets.

I couldn’t find an outlet to take a picture of.

Nothing makes me more furious than a lack of outlets in hotel rooms.  It’s not just old hotels either.  I’ve been in plenty of hotels that have been completely brand new, and there are barely any outlets, and the ones they have are behind the immovable bed.  Excuse me?! How am I supposed to charge my Google Machine?!  How am I supposed to go on the internets?!  I don’t really want to carefully balance my Macbook on the tiny sink area to check my magical digital friend organizer.

It really is bullshit.  I don’t know if I’m supposed to be mad at the electricians, the hotel planners, the architects, or whoeverthefuck, but I am mad whenever I encounter such a problem.

You know what else most hotels don’t have?

Continental Breakfasts (and One’s That Aren’t a Complete Waste of Time).

Hotels like Holiday Inn Express, Hampton Inn, and Country Inn and Suites provide the bare minimum of what should be a good breakfast.  I often find a few things that I like at these hotels, so congratulations to them.  Plain ol’ Holliday Inns, the ones that cost more, have NO FREE BREAKFAST.  Fuck the hell out of them.  You want me to pay ELEVEN FUCKING DOLLARS for your dry muffins, cereal, microwaved sausage and eggs that are (possibly) cooked by a four year old?*  Suck a dick, Holliday Inn.

But Holliday Inn’s aren’t the only hotels that ought to be sucking a big one.  Plenty of ritzy hotels don’t offer a free breakfast.  Even Super 8’s have coffee (brewed straight up in hell) and prepackaged minimuffins.

Honestly, all a hotel needs is some fruit, some cereals, a belgian waffle iron, a DECENT breakfast meat, juice and coffee to make me happy.  Anything else is greatly appreciated, but not dire.

Dear Residence Inn,

Your potatoes, eggs, sausage, oatmeal, fresh yogurt bar, cereal selection, quad-juice machine, biscuits, and ceramic plates make me feel like I can attack the day with an appropriate amount of vigor.  I love you dearly.  You offer a higher volume of luxury for the cost, and fill me up with delicious breakfastries.

Love,

Keith

Another thing most hotels should really have?

Soap and Shampoo That Don’t Completely Suck.

OK.

1. I hate wrestling to open a shitty packaged bar of soap when I want to wash my hands in the hotel room.
2. The soap leaves your hands feeling like they want to drop off your wrists and find a kinder host body.
3. The shampoo and body wash leave you with the same feeling as the bar of hand soap.  I don’t want my body to hate my body.

Is it really all that crazy to ask for soap that isn’t garbage?  I mean, I tote around my own shampoo and bodywash from hotel to hotel, but it would be nice if I didn’t have to.

Every single hotel I have been to has been guilty of this crime against toiletry necessity.  Fuck that.  Order some tiny Dove soaps.  okthankzbai.

Lastly, every hotel needs

A Pool, a Hot Tub, and a Fitness Center (that doesn’t completely suck)

Hampton Inns are so sexy.

Sooo Sexy.

Hampton Inn’s often have the nicest exercise rooms.  They feature treadmills that work, exercise bikes that work, free weights, at least one compound weight machine, and a water fountain or water cooler.  Some even have yoga mats!

Ahh, if only most hotels could be like Hampton Inn.  Mostly, I come across an “Exercise Room,” that clearly used to be a bedroom, but now houses three semi functional aerobic machines.  It’s really pathetic.  The motto of those hotels should be “barely trying.”

As far as pools and hot tubs, it’s generally the same.  Nicer, “Middle Class Hotels” (Hampton Inn, Holiday Inn Express, Comfort Suites, etc.) often have nice pools and hot tubs.  Lower line hotels generally don’t, but that’s ok.  I don’t know if I’d really want to swim in a Super 8 pool.

Other things that are still important, but not enough to bitch at length about include:  Beds that are comfortable, having at least 3 pillows on a queen bed, light switches that make sense, concierges who aren’t at Arby’s when I want to ask them a question at 10:00 PM, and having cute girls wandering the halls in abundance.  Oh! Also, a bathroom door that makes sense.  Video to follow.

*I have no evidence to support this claim