Humpdancing: A Mystery Solved

As mentioned in this week’s podcast, it seems as if prom and school dances give teenagers the okay to get their dirty dancing on and let out a whole lot of sexual aggression. Humpdancing occurs seemingly with no cause, when the bass is thumping and lights are low. But today I am on a mission to solve the mystery of this sexy, sexy dancing and see if there are any solutions to the madness that is taking over high school gyms everywhere.

Humpdancing is the term I will use to refer to hardcore grinding, freaking, or intimate/maybe angry couples dancing. Now it has become the accepted and mainstream way to dance for high school students; we’re talking age 14 through 18. One will know when he or she has crossed the lines from friendly dancing to party dancing into the unknown abyss that is humpdancing. Humpdancing is not to be confused with the “The Humpty Dance,” a solid 1990’s hip hop jam by Digital Underground.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cj9_yW8tZxs

Apparently humpdancing is serious business. In May 2007, an Arkansas high school prohibited humpdancing of all kinds (they stated it more eloquently). Their school stated, “Dance styles we are prohibiting at the prom are the sexually explicit styles where students simulate having sex on the dance floor. These styles include the girl backing up to the boy and basically doing a ‘lap dance’ against him, or the boy taking hold of the girl’s hips and pulling her back against him”. Come onnn, what else do you expect teens to do in Arkansas?!! Go to a state park? For reals, guys.

Jump Dancing, Not Humpdancing

Party Dancing, Not Humpdancing

Hotel Dancing, Not Humpdancing

Many schools in 2011, such as C. Milton Wright High School in Bel Air, have banned grinding and have specific dance rules such as: Hands must stay on waists and shoulders only and no exaggerated bending. I’m sorry, but how are these teens supposed to seduce their mates if they can’t BEND?! The bending aspect is essential. Geneva High School, of the west Chicago suburbs, has banned grinding as of 2011. What gets weird about this case is that “school officials also asked a disc jockey hired for a Friday night dance not to play songs with a pounding bass line that would encourage grinding.” Every dance song has a pounding bass! Don’t blame the bass – blame the wild, out of control youth!

Let us find some reason behind the sweaty, confusing mystery that is humpdancing. Alcohol is an easy answer because it lowers your inhibitions. However, most high school students do not have access to alcohol; I myself remember only drinking energy drinks before dances. Another explanation is that humpdancing is primal and it’s easy. Guys don’t have to learn any fancy two-steps, and girls just let loose and do moves that they’ve seen in music videos. The most logical explanation: teens are horny and are in the middle of discovering their sexuality. This isn’t anything terribly new. Dancing in general has become increasingly more sexual ever since the 1960’s. You planted the seed, adult-folk! All that innocent twisting and mashed potato-ing… just laying the groundwork for humpdancing.

It only looks harmless.... Wait 50 years!

It’s okay, calm down all you 40-something’s! According to Dr. Munoz-Laboy, grinding allows young men and women to experiment with flirting and sexual control, and is a healthy extension of sexual liberation. He also said that this kind of dancing allows boys to prove their masculinity. Research has actually shown that sexually explicit dancing does not lead to casual sex. The dancing itself was found to be as harmless as any other type of dancing. Who knew that the jitterbug and dry humping are like…the samesies!

A group of researchers literally spent three years watching teenagers dance at New York Clubs and found that grinding was usually not a precursor to sex or even viewed as a sexual dance. They say that it’s sexually overt on paper but the intent is not sexually overt.  As a personal account, I was one to humpdance in high school and I was still able to write this post AND I totally value myself as a human. We all come out okay.

Judo Attack Dancing, Not Humpdancing

Is there any way to stop the insanity that is humpdancing? The answer is NO. Even if you don’t go to prom or try to ban it, the humpdancing will find you somehow. We can try to create new, simple dances such as The Cha Cha Slide or Time to Dance by Keith and Tinz as a temporary break or distraction. But these teenagers have their human needs, and humpdancing seems to be the only answer these days. Sorry, adult chaperones, this is what your children do for funsies.

And now to answer all the burning questions that are on your mind…

Q: Have we solved a great mystery today?

A: Yes.

Q: My high school student doesn’t drink and is a straight-laced kid; are you SURE they humpdance?

A: Absolutely.

Q: Is there hope for a future free of humpdancing?

A: Nope. It’s best to join in the fun and savor the sweet taste of moral decay. 🙂