By 
Hey everybody, your old pal Chris is back. Only this time, I’m mired in utter sadness.
Ya see, this week Octavarius is performing in the LA improv festival. The gang is playing at iO West and everyone is thrilled about meeting new people and seeing all the sights in Los Angeles. Everyone except me, that is. See, all of us friends are owners of Octavarius LLC, and in order to maintain a proper business environment, we’ve all sworn to abide by a rigid code of corporate conduct, explicitly outlined in the Octavarius official handbook. These rules must be followed to a tee, and can never be broken, which is unfortunate because we tend to only write new rules when we are drunk.
The other night, amidst fancy beers and choo choo shots, some jackass member of the group whose name I won’t mention now, decided to pass a new rule where one of us has to stay home on trips out of the Midwest, much like how 1 cabinet member mustn’t join his fellow statesmen at the State of the Union address every year. So Mikula proposes this shitty new rule and us, short-sighted as we sometimes are, decided to vote for it unanimously. We drew straws and wouldn’t you guess, I got the short one. Now I’m home by myself missing my friends who are out conquering sunny LA.
“I’m about ready to eat that second pizza, but first I should probably go to the liquor store again,” I caught myself saying partway through the first day. I realized things were not going especially well. Then it hit me: as long as I’m going to endure a week without my tentacled, strong-armed companions, I might as well channel that angst into something more productive. Turns out it’s surprisingly easy to be productive and sad at the same time!
First I made a giant dinner for myself. Have you ever cooked an enormous dinner by yourself so you can eat it by alone?
One man's sad is another man's productive
No, you say? Well if you’re sad and hanging out by yourself, why not try it? As long as you’re just sitting there being sad, you might as well make a feast. Just boil a pot of potatoes, and get to mashing! It’s surprisingly easy to keep an eye on a meal being cooked when your friends and family aren’t around to distract you with love and laughter. Don’t forget to shut off the lights when you finally eat the whole thing! Squandering electricity is no way to be productive.
Now that dinner’s over, if you want to accomplish something and have more sad, go ahead and throw things away. That’s right! In your closet, in your kitchen, in your office, a melancholy life episode is the perfect opportunity to throw away bag after bag of things in your home.
I’m not talking about important things that are close to your heart, but actual junk you don’t need anymore. Get rid of your receipts and pay stubbs from years ago that you don’t need. And while you’re at it, you should take that gift you got forever ago that you never opened and pawn it. I’m sure the person who originally bought it for you would rather you go get something you’ll like, rather than keep onto something you’ll never use.
I’m gonna go throw away half my closet, and finish out the day by giving my toilet a nice, thorough cleansing. Have fun in LA, rest of Octavarius! I’ll be at home doing productive things, and when you get back, we’ll all get nice and silly drunk so we can repeal this dumbass 1 person stays behind rule. Until then, I am the new king of sadness. Suck it, Marc.
