By 
I’ve been playing a lot of Mega Man 9 over the past few weeks, and I’ve realized a few things about this not-too-distant-future shooter. (Well, I guess it takes place in the year 20XX, so in theory it could have taken place in the not-too-distant past.) If you strip down all of the sci-fi insanity of the game, you get to the bare-bones story: Dr. Wily has kidnapped Dr. Light, and Mega Man must reach the madman and defeat him. To do so Mega Man must enter the heart of a series of buildings, inside of each is a robotic fiend determined to put a stop to his shootery. There’s just one fundamental flaw in Wily’s plans:
He’s a shitty architect.
Nope. Escher's got nothing on Dr. Wily's lack of planning.
In this post I would like to point out a number of items that went in to Wily’s blueprints that are sure to make any professional architect cringe.
1.The Ghost Block
They ain't all real! Oops!
See that one piece of the spike-bridge that looks a little bit different? Yeah, it feels different too. As in you’ll feel yourself falling through it and into certain death if you’re clumsy enough to overlook the slightly different tiles. This is great for Dr. Wily in the sense that it’ll fool Mega Man. His one enemy. The problem? Wily has thousands upon thousands of robotic slaves/employees, all of whom are also fair game for being equally clumsy. Worse still, these blocks are fairly abundant in this particular level, which means if you show up for work tired one day, you could very well die on your way to punch in.
2. Platforms Inaccessible Without VERY Strong Winds
Unless there's a hurricane, Mega Man is helpless! Oh, and so is everyone else.
You know what would make your walk home shitty? If the sidewalk was composed of spaced platforms that, under normal weather conditions, you were incapable of jumping across. You’d have to wait several blocks away from your apartment for days or even weeks, hoping for stormy weather. And it would have to be awful weather. With wind strong enough that it could carry you twice the distance of your regular jump. And on top of that, the wind would have to be at your back. Any other direction and you’d just have to wait it out, watching bored robo-brellas descend upon you until the weather finally favors you. Or until you finally get too pissed off and buy a new home elsewhere. Again, this is a great Mega Man deterrent. But what happens after Wily finally gets him? He just has a terribly designed walkway to deal with.
3. Rooms That You Can Only Access By Falling
More spikes? AND falling? Sure, your employees will love you for that.
Robo-Ployee 1: Ah, hell. Hey, could you do me a big favor?
Robo-Ployee 2: Yeah, sure. Anything for you.
Robo-Ployee 1: I left my bag lunch back in the early Hornet Man sector. You think you could swing by and get it for me?
Robo-Ployee 2: Ummm…yeah, I guess so. Where’s it at?
Robo-Ployee 1: ….In the Flower Room.
Robo-Ployee 2: Hey wait… you mean the room with the spikes all over the ground and the rotating column of death flowers? The one that, even though we’re directly below it, we can now only get to by going all around the entire gargantuan building and falling into it?
Robo-Ployee 1: Yeah, that’s the one.
Robo-Ployee 2: Go get it’cho damn self.
4. The Boss Room With No Means of Escape. For Bosses.
This is probably a fire code violation. In more ways than one, now that I think about it.
Dr. Wily,
I write you to let you know that I will not be returning to Wily enterprises on Monday. Please understand that this is not because of you or your management style. I have gotten along just fine with you along with my seven colleagues. Frankly, I just can not work in these conditions any longer. Sitting in a locked room for weeks on end waiting for a task to complete leaves me feeling unfulfilled. In addition, there is no ventilation whatsoever in this chamber of fire, and I have often clocked out coughing up a storm. In the future, you may consider installing a second door so that employees may duck out for some fresh air or, if necessary, an escape from their assailants. In the end, I need to make sure that I am there for my loved ones, and I just don’t feel that I will be able to do so by staying at this job much longer.
Sincerely,
Dr. Jeffrey P. Magma
