Cloud Does the Bible in Five Minutes

We all have busy lives, and with distractions like Facebook, iPads, and Twitter, who has time these days to read a book as enormous as the Bible? Have no fear, friends! It just so happens that I purchased a brand new Bible only months ago and have read some select passages and skimmed others. So for all of you speed demons out there, I’m about to relay to you what I remember and spit some truth straight from the good book itself.

The Old Testament: So many tales!

From what I recall, The Old Testament is super gory, and there is a whole lot of sleeping-with-the-wrong-person type of action. If you read every page of the Bible, you will be caught in many seas of lengthy names with corresponding ages. Side note: People used to live to be SOO OLD!!! Methuselah lived until he was 969, and the average age seems to be in the 300’s. After about 100, what do you DO?! Repeat everything over or just learn endless skills? Wrinkles? Health insurance? I have so many inquiries!

Moses was actually awkward, bumbling, and not well spoken. Because of Moses’ stammer, his brother Aaron became his spokesperson.  And you guys all remember that parting of the Red Sea awesomeness. If you’re rusty, this is where I refer you to the documentary film of the event, The Prince of Egypt.

In Genesis, God creates the world, which is BOMB. Abraham is God’s main man post-flood. His son, Isaac, has two sons, one of which is totally sneaky!! Jacob wears goatskins to make his dad think that he is his hairier brother, Esau, so he can receive his father’s blessing. It’s weird to think that a lot of how we came to be, according to Bible, is rooted in deceit and just madness. More shenanigans go down in the OT when Joseph’s brothers make it seem like Joseph was killed! But then it evens out later because Joseph becomes the Pharoah’s best bro, as relayed in the aptly named musical, Joseph.

I don’t remember seeing anything about gay people not being allowed to marry OR the no sex before marriage deal while skimming. They need to make this stuff really big and bold if it is causing such a hubbub. BUT it does say in Leviticus that you cannot eat animal fat, you cannot plant your field with two kinds of seed, and DO NOT wear clothing woven of two kinds of material. Ruh roh…

Psalms is one of the best parts of the Bible. They are super profound and make you feel all empowered. Grab some fancy cheeses and a beach beverage, and read these poems while contemplating the meaning of life. Also, who knew that Coolio helped write Psalms? “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…”

Samson was a badass. He wrestled a lion, pulled down the pillars of a building, and he killed 1,000 Philistines with a donkey’s jawbone. Let me repeat that:  A DONKEY’S JAWBONE!!! All because of the sweet, long hair on his head. Another S-name dude was Solomon, the first ever true ladies man; he had 700 wives and 300 concubines.

I think Proverbs is like the Confucius part of the Bible. One of my favorites is, “Better to live in the desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.” Ecclesiastes is pretty deep as well. It says, “Whatever exists has already been named, and what man is has been known; no man can contend with One who is stronger than he.” Think about it…

Oh, and yeaaa… B T Dubs… the apocalypse is gonna be CRAY CRAY.

There is a LOT that they just happened to glide over in Sunday school. If I learned this in faith class, I would be crapping my pants on a daily basis. “The rising sun will be darkened and the moon will not give its light,” “Sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood,” “I will pour down torrents of rain, hailstones and burning sulfur.” I guess, grab your umbrellies and hope that you’re on the Nice List.

New Testament: So much love!

Even if you’ve never read a Bible, not even on a contemplative night in a hotel room, you probably have heard Corinthians 13: 4-7. “Love is patient. Love is kind.” Everyone is familiar with Mr. Corinthian. Or more like, the letter to the church at Corinth (YES!)

Jesus gives a lot of really good life advice, though some seems hard for all of us to completely put into practice. He says, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Jesus also performs a bunch of miracles, walks on water, feeds thousands, and kills demons. No big. But people are so demanding of Jesus while he is just trying to spread the good word and be all cool. “Turn these loaves in to bread!” “Make a miracle happen!” “Dance for me! DANCE!!!” Okay, I added that last one in. But this dude is just trying to live his life, spread goodness, and make awesome chairs. These people need to chill out.

Then, we get to the whole lot of non-fun stuff that you can get the gist of in Passion of the Christ. But after all of that, Jesus is resurrected – yay! Now we have another holiday which we can celebrate by hiding lots of colored eggs. I’m guessing around this time, sin became more okay since through Jesus all sins are forgiven. But don’t sin TOO much. I think it’s more like a Get Out of Jail Free Card type of deal.

God wants you to love err’one, be honest, work hard, and says money is the root of all evil. Also, the Bible says that suffering is all just a test of perseverance. Kanye must have been reading a lot of verse when he wrote the song, “Stronger.” Bible + Daft Punk = Kanye top-charter. I KNEW he had a formula…

There is some more judgment day description. At this point, we get it: the elements will all melt, everything will be burned, general party-ender for most. In First John, it is revealed that “God is love.” What a cool secret!!! Revelation is super rad, and bits of it sound like Narnia on acid. Living creatures with six wings and covered in eyes, and The Seventh Seal (wink) is explained.

The last paragraph of the Bible makes it very clear not to add anything to this perfect Bible. If you do, you will be added to list of “To Plague Upon.” And if you take away anything, you get taken away from the tree of life. Basically, just let it lie.

You are all welcome for saving you the time of reading 700 plus pages of tiny print. But if you have the time, you should totally give it a try. I think the Bible is pretty neat and has a lot of good life lessons. I read once that religion is like a restaurant, and each person’s belief system is like the dish they order. To this I say, bon appétit! And to all of you atheists, I hope you still enjoyed my post and you can have some of my fries if you are still hungry.