By 
know that the Television series “Lost” has been over for a while but I haven’t had a chance to make fun of it because I was too busy laughing and jerking off.
It may come as a shock to you, but I have never been too keen on the whole “Lost” phenomenon that has plagued our beautiful society with its maddening drivel. I knew from the get-go that the creators had no idea what was going on and, eventually, the writers of the series would write themselves into a corner, panic, and have no choice but to explain most of what they had created through wizardry, dreams and wishing island rocks (that was a fucking real thing. MAGIC ISLAND ROCKS! HAHAHA!)
Anyway the show started in 2004 and, if you recall, it was huge. It was the new love
"Man i am not in the mood to time travel today...just saying.
of nerds and super nerds alike. People were watching this show like if they
watched it enough it would make the girl of their dreams realize that their Yu-Gi-Oh card collection was actually quite extensive (its not). I gave the show a couple of once-overs** and found it not to my liking.
no big deal.
But then everyone couldn’t shut the fuck up about it! Lost fans were shitting in their own hands and smelling it while saying its “the best show ever!” and “they know exactly where they are going with the show, everything will be explained.”
`
My friend and Octavarius member, Tinz, was one of those people.
`
"I'm 'cooking' up trouble for myself"
6 years ago we were in college together and the show had just started. He had just jumped on the bandwagon with the eagerness of a Thai hooker cutting herself so she could feel something, just as I was denouncing the now popular wolf in sheep’s clothing of a show.
Me and Tinz had just met and we were already arguing how I thought the show would run itself into the ground, infuriating fans just as X-files had done in the past, and Tinz was arguing that I was “an asshole” and should “just give
"Dear world, I am better than you! schnickty-schnaw!"
the show a chance.” We battled for hours, me mostly explaining how I thought the shows writers were just “making the show up as they go along, so that the fans will stay glued to the tv…like the television equivalent of Sisyphus.” and that “the end will probably involve super powers, magic or it would all be a dream,” and after all the yager bombs had settled Tinz finally put his money where his dick was. He said:
`
“I bet you a steak dinner, that at the end of the series, everything introduced in the series can and will be explained through scientifically sound methods that are derived from this reality.”
-Matthew James Herzau, 1986-2019***
`
Oh no! A comedic misstep!
“A steak dinner?” I said. “But that would mean that we
would have to wait the entire length of the series before I could inevitably enjoy you buying me steak.”
`
Tinz smiled with a wild flail of his wrist “or until you fuckin buy ME a steak” quickly forgetting that the show would ALREADY have to explain how a smoke monster could exist on this planet without sounding fucking ridiculous. We shook hands and throughout the years I would take note of the madness that took place on the island that would never be explained.
`
Quickly it became apparent that the bet was over once Locke became the
"You tell me what the FUCK those numbers mean! Me and my work friends wanna know!"
smoke monster, the island’s inhabitants began to time travel (a method of travel that is still impossible to humans, by the way, no matter how much theoretical science there is), immortal characters, and the myriad of other impossibilities that occurred on this maaaaaaggicaaaaal island.*
Flash sideways to the present (see what I did there? Then fuck you!). Its 6 years later and much to Tinz’s dismay, we are still friends. The show is over and as I watched the end with Tinz who was waiting desperately for Jack to wake up and have the whole series be a dream, it ended in heaven or something gay. With that, Tinz turned, sighed and asked, “Where do you want to have our dinner” And I
"Dear God No! I get that joke!!"
curled inside that moment which felt like it stretched over a thousand lifetimes in length. The Curse of being right.
Tinz being a man of his word will be biting the bullet at Gibson’s bar and Steakhousein Chicago (the time and date for this event are indeterminate because we actually are in 1988 trying to stop the dharma initiative from being implausible.)
Stayed logged in to Octavarius.com to get the pictures feed back and laughter from this 6 year old bet which has now come to fruition.
“…But to kill him…that would be cheating…because my people also heard me make a promise and to break my word…that would be the end of me too. And then you came striding out of the jungle, John, to make my dream come true.”
Benjamin talking to somebody about something.
*please note that I have seen maybe two episodes of lost and all knowledge after that comes from outside sources like people who, for whatever reason, insist on explaning to me about a show I don’t like or watch.
** a once-over is a quick, comprehensive look or examination; swiftly appraising glance.
***trust me.
