By 
First and foremost. I am not a scientist. In fact, if you were to poll my friends, family, coworkers and assorted lovers, I don’t think any of them would describe me as “sciencey.” However, they could very likely describe me as patriotic. I love this country and it’s in trouble. So like every other jackass who knows nothing about science, I feel it’s time to put my opinion on the Internets.
The answer to America’s problems is Hamster Wheel Technology (HWT). It’s so simple. Just like in cartoon science experiments, a hamster runs on wheel and electricity is created. The plan is to take this idea, but instead of hamsters, we use people.
The future.
Here’s the plan in a nutshell.
- Use taxpayer dollars to build special gyms around the country. These gyms are full of equipment that function just like the hamster wheel.
- Taxpayers go to the gyms and exercise, thus creating green energy.
- The energy is stored somehow (I’m sure scientists can figure out how to do that).
- Gym members receive a tax credit determined by how much energy they create.
This is great for anyone who’s ever wanted to get a gym membership but doesn’t want to spend the money. They can exercise for free and they can save a bunch of money because the government will essentially reimburse them for the energy that they make.
Plus, energy is cool as Hell right now. It ranks right up there with vampires and bite-sized burgers. Everyone is trying to find new ways to reduce green house gasses and dependence on foreign oil. The rest of the world is beating our asses with solar technology. Let’s show China what America is made of and be the first to pioneer man-made green energy.
Sounds great for the planet, right? RIGHT! Well I ain’t stopping there. It gets even better for you!
In the end, this all comes down to better health. Statistically speaking, America is the fattest country on Earth. Almost 1 in 3 people are overweight. An astonishing 21% of health care dollars are used to treat problems caused by obesity every year. Slimming down and getting healthy will save tons of money.
An average American man
The weight loss industry has tried everything to get people to lose weight, but nothing has worked yet.
Nutritionists: Hey you should exercise regularly. You’ll live longer.
America: Yeah, but what are you gonna do?
Psychologists: You’ll hate yourself way less.
America: Yeah but that takes a lot of time. Plus, Baconators make me pretty happy, too.
Sexy Magazines: You’ll be way more attractive and have way better sex.
America: Meh, fat sex is pretty satisfying too.
Television: You can use this device or these pills and lose weight without doing anything.
America: Hmmm…
(2 weeks later)
America: Well that didn’t work. I feel crappy. I think I’ll go to Dairy Queen.
Americans have been doing this for what seems like forever. They know they need to lose weight, but there’s not enough immediate benefit. Exercise takes a long time to start showing significant effects. Most people work one or more jobs and have busy lives of their own. Better physical health, self confidence and sexual prowess seem like good enough motivators but it’s a bridge too far for too many.
Until now. HWT gives people a new motivation for weight loss. Observe in this hypothetical conversation.
Me: Hey America, you should go work out in the hamster gyms. It’s free.
America: Yeah, but so is Internet pornography.
Me: Well now they’re practically handing you money to work out.
America: Well, I have been looking to by a heater for my kid’s bedroom. And that new iPhone app that’s a collection of 100+ fart noises… Deal!
Happiness and red-hot sexiness are great motivators, but not great enough. The only motivator strong enough to fix these huge gaping problems is the almighty dollar. If people feel like they are making money every time they get on a treadmill, maybe we can become greener and more energy independent. Plus, America will stop getting picked on for being so chubby. Instead, the world can laugh at Mexico’s weight problem (and we can too!).
Laugh it up, Mexico. You're pretty fat, too.
Finally, I’d like to address Barack Obama. He’s a Chicago native, so I can only assume he reads this blog.
President Obama, I know things are going rough right now. We need money desperately. America wants to see some real solutions to these epic problems. We need to start thinking outside of the box. Hiring Kal Penn was a good start, but you need more young people contributing ideas.
A proud member of Obama's foreign relations team.
I’m a comedy blogger with no scientific background proposing an idea that may be impossible. I get it. However the stimulus program for this country gave $30 million to districts of the country that don’t even exist. If you could throw a little bit of money towards our greatest scientific minds, maybe they can come up with some way to effectively harness, store and utilize energy that humans create. Maybe it can make us, and the world a little healthier.
Or just have millions of mice power the country. They breed quickly and love to run. That might work too. I’ll let you know if I come up with any other ideas in the meantime.
Hugsies,
Chris
