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So just yesterday, I was sitting on the couch, thinking about the Blackhawks’ awesome win on Saturday, and my mind wandered to one of my favorite film series as a child: The Mighty Ducks.
This young, rag-tag group of social misfits and questionable athletes are coached up by a former hockey player turned lawyer to become the champions of their Pee Wee Hockey League by beating the dreaded (and evil) Hawks. Lucky for us, they succeeded and took us to D2
Oddly enough the local Pee Wee Hockey champion from District 5 in Minnesota, our heroic Mighty Ducks, are selected to represent the United States of America as Team USA in an incredibly important international hockey tournament. This is the same team that includes Goldberg, the fat, lazy, uncoordinated goalie and Averman, the kid that is nerdy and does shitty impressions of Rob Schneider as evidenced 32 seconds into this YouTube clip:
The only ringers they added to the team were a Mexican who couldn’t stop (meaning that he had to be so awesome at everything else that it is completely ok that he can’t stop), an amazing goalie that they choose to use only once because Goldberg is SO GOOD, another enforcer who is Chicago tough, and a black kid from the streets of LA who has invented his own special shot in hockey called “The Knuckle Puck”. Oh yeah, and he’s played by Keenan Thompson. This new rag-tag group of social misfits and questionable athletes are once again coached up by a former hockey player turned lawyer now turned hockey player to coach of Team USA to become the champions of the world.
Then in D3, this same group of kids that just won the World Championship isn’t good enough to make the Varsity Hockey Team of the college prep school they get scholarships to.
What a fucking joke. I feel like such a fool because I spent 2 prior films actually believing that these barely functioning humans could win at anything, much less, get dressed in the morning. Then they get some other fucking losers and they are the best group of young hockey players in the world.
If the ages were correct, that would mean that they beat young Sidney Crosby, Alexander Ovechkin, and many other talented hockey players. And I bought it all. I did not question it one bit. THEN I get smacked back to reality by D3 which tells me that these world champions aren’t even good enough to make a high school varsity hockey team. And I bought it AGAIN! I suspended all disbelief for each of these movies and they beat me. And, as of yesterday, I have realized how stupid I am for ever believing that any of these films could be plausable and that I let this movie trilogy have its way with me. I am a tremendous idiot.
